Sunday 10 March 2024

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is DEDICATE.  

I've decided to dedicate this blog post to a friend and sister that our church family lost recently. 

Her name was Lynne, is Lynne.

She's still alive - with Him - just not with us.

She's with the One that she loved,

with the Jesus that she proclaimed, passionately and persistently,

to whoever would listen, 

because she knew that He was, He is, the answer for our every need.

To those outside her immediate family, she was a friend, a sister in Christ, a teacher, a mentor, a counsellor, a listener, an encourager.    I knew her as all of that and my life was enriched by her.   She did a lot of listening and a lot of encouraging.   There were many times that she held space for me while I shared pain and worries and heartaches.  Every time, she directed me back to Him.   

She was a coffee-table kind of friend.   You didn't need to be fancy to sit at her table.  In fact, she preferred it if you weren't.    We spent many hours chatting about all sorts of things, watching the kids play in the pool, watching the birds outside, looking at the plants in her garden, discussing the Lord and now He works, and how good He is. 

We talked about healing and how much she wanted to be healed of her COPD,  and later cancer, so she could get out there and do God's work.  She didn't realise how much she was doing God's work right there at her table and online in the support groups she was in.     She touched many, many lives.  Many, many people miss her.   

There was one day, on the phone, that I was sharing my frustration about this healing journey that the Lord has had me on, for several years now, that started at her table really.   The Lord gave her a picture of a caterpillar being transformed into a beautiful butterfly.   That picture was such a great encouragement to me, and remains so, to this day, though learning about how disgusting it is inside a cocoon was not encouraging.  Metamorphosis is a slow, painful process, that is hard to get through, made easier only by the love and support of mature friends.  

Those who miss her most, of course, are her family.    To her family, she was a dedicated wife and mother and grandmother and even a great grandmother, auntie, cousin, sister, daughter.  

Many times, when I was sitting at her table, she would get a call from a family member who knew she would be available on the phone.    She was very available to them.  Just the other day her hubby, Paul, commented that he still goes to call her as he's leaving work and then realises he can't.   I'm sure that's yet another reminder that she's on the other side of time - for now.    















We are separated from her now by the gates of heaven.  One day we'll see her again.   And the reunion will be joyous, and we will see her whole.   We will all be whole and free of all that got in the way of health and wholeness and love down here.

In the meantime, she is no doubt enjoying being with the two sons that she lost along the way, her miscarried babies, family members and other loved ones who went before her.  

One day, Lynne, our reunion will be sweet.  In the meantime, I'm rejoicing that you are walking free of the pain and restriction that you had this side of eternity.    I'm sorry you're gone.  I miss you, but I'm rejoicing for you.    I'm rejoicing and longing for that day when.....

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”  Rev 21:4   

In the meantime, I can only imagine how much you are rejoicing and dancing, which you weren't able to do here.   I remember discussing this song with you.   And here you are, living it now, more alive than us.     I'm jealous.      One day, Lynne............   

In the meantime, I will be grateful for all God did for me - through you - most of it at your table.     


Surrounded by Your glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of You be still?

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees, will I fall?

Will I sing hallelujah?

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine


I can only imagine

when that day comes 

when I find myself

standing in the sun....................


Saturday 2 March 2024

HIS GRACE FOR OUR SUFFERING

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday, and this week's prompt word is SUFFER.    


When parents are super busy, children suffer.

When parents are strained or exhausted, children suffer.

When the marriage is not a safe environment, children suffer.

When parents ask children to perform for love, children suffer.

When parents are hurting from their own internal wounds, children suffer.

When parents abuse the children they're supposed to protect, children suffer.  

When parents tear down the walls of their child's identity and worth, the child suffers.

When that child carries those wounds into marriage and parenting, their spouse suffers, their children suffer.  

And so it goes on.    There is so much suffering in families. 

It's not how God meant it to be.

He designed families to be a place where everyone can be safe, nurtured, protected, honoured, and to grow - like plants inside a well-watered garden.















When that garden is damaged, invaded, undermined, untended, everyone suffers.

The pages of the Bible are full of suffering families, from Adam and Eve's family in the very beginning, right through to the families mentioned in the pages of the gospels and beyond.

But God.....................

He sent His Son to touch those who were hurting from years of suffering, sometimes generations of suffering.   He forgave, liberated, embraced, validated, healed, empowered.  

And he went throughout all Galilee, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction among the people.  Matt 4:23

He Himself suffered pain, rejection, humiliation, shame, brokenness, fear, and all the awful effects of sin - for us - on the cross.   

Surely He has borne our griefs
And carried our sorrows;
Yet we esteemed Him stricken,
Smitten by God, and afflicted.

But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
We have turned, every one, to his own way;
And the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed and He was afflicted............................   Isa 53:4-7

It's ironic that it was in a garden that He fully surrendered to God's plan, for us, so that we don't have to suffer.  He started His walk of suffering, the crushing, in that place.   

Because He suffered, and conquered all of it, we can apply His victory to each area of our lives where we have suffered, and still suffer.   

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”  Rev 21:4

That victory is called grace.   The empowering grace to move forward from whatever we are suffering with.  

On Sunday, we listened to one of the best explanations of grace I've ever heard.   One of our occasional preachers was filling in, and he did an amazing job of explaining what that grace is and how we can and must access it, every.single.day, to move forward from our whatever it is we are suffering with.  

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.  Hebrews 4:15,16


We can come and receive that grace.   Do we?  Will we?   

Will we come every time we suffer?   

We can.  

Do we?

Will we?  

“God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.  1 Peter 5:5-7

How much will we continue to suffer instead of coming?   

He longs for us to come.  He longs to heal our hearts and ease our suffering.  


I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt;

Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it.

“But My people would not heed My voice,

And Israel would have none of Me.

So I gave them over to their own stubborn heart,

To walk in their own counsels.

"Oh, that My people would listen to Me,

That Israel would walk in My ways!   Ps 81:10-13




How wonderfulHow gloriousMy Saviour's scarsVictoriousMy chains are goneMy debt is paidFrom death to lifeAnd grace to grace
If Heaven now owns that vacant tombHow great is the hope that lives in YouThe passion that tore through hell like a roseThe promise that rolled back death and its stone
If freedom is worth the life You raisedWhere is my sin?Where is my shame?If love paid it all to have my heart

Tuesday 20 February 2024

IT'S OKAY TO LOVE YOURSELF

I'm sharing what God did on the weekend, the heart surgery alluded to in the previous blogpost, partly because I need to understand it, and I understand things best when I write them down.  

But I'm hoping that by sharing this very personal and painful part of my healing journey, it just might help someone else.  

My blog is partly my journey of healing and I pray that it will help someone else on their journey as well.    We are all on the journey together, and our shared stories can help others.  

They go from strength to strength;

Each one appears before God in Zion.   Ps 84:7   


When you grow up as the strong one in the dynamics of your family, and you've had a lot of relational responsibility put on you at a young age, way too much, then you learn not to love yourself because that feels wrong and selfish.  And perhaps you get told by one or both emotionally immature parents, that you don't deserve certain basic things like love and acceptance and even food and clothes.   And because you're constantly failing at something you shouldn't have to be doing, you get weighed down by guilt and shame.   

If, as a young child, you hear the words disgusting, useless, ugly, pest, nuisance, undeserving, failure, and others, you internalise them.  You don't question them.   They become your truth, your scaffolding, your foundations, the bolts in your lighthouse.   

Why? 

Because parents were designed to build into their children building blocks for their identity.

And children were designed to believe whatever their parents told them.    It's God's good design, ruined by sin and brokenness.   That's how young children are wired - to absorb and believe.   

And so we DO believe what's said to us and spoken over us, at a young age.      And we build our identity, our worth, our lives on those beliefs.   Then in later years, we find ourselves struggling with shame and guilt and feeling like we don't deserve to be loved, or to love ourselves, to prioritise ourselves or to even sit at His feet and receive.   

We end up in relationships, not just marriage, where we are constantly adapting and bending and ultimately breaking, to keep the other person happy, to keep God happy.   All this to avoid rejection and because we fundamentally believe we are a nuisance and ugly and useless and need to ignore our own needs and strive to meet the needs of others.   And so we try harder - to please God, to appease people.   

And we keep failing and so we get stuck in a cycle of shame, guilt, fear and failure.   

And it's all just crushing us and slowly killing us, and breaking His heart.  

He wants us to live FROM a place of knowing and resting in His love, not striving towards it all the time.   

....................   that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man,  that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height  -   to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge   Ephesians 3:16-19   


On Saturday, I found myself in a pretty dark place.   I'd spent the week wrestling with shame and anger and a lot of pain and I couldn't quite work out what was going on.   I had several friends, including my pastors, praying for me and asking the Lord to show me what was stirring.  

I was once again feeling the urge to walk into a china shop with a baseball bat, so I knew something deep was stirring and the Lord wanted it sorted.   I've lived with suppressed anger for many years so I recognise it well.   

I sat down and wrote my ex-husband a very long and angry letter about how he had intentionally -  and unintentionally -  sculpted me into the person he wanted me to be, that he thought I 'should' be, and judged me for not being.   

I didn't send it.  I had no intention of sending it.   I've had way too many conversations with him over the years on these issues that have not achieved any real understanding or forward movement for either of us.  We were both very broken people, triggering each other's deep wounds, and not letting anyone in to really know us or help us.   We need to heal separately at this point.  

I thought writing that letter would help.  It helped to clarify things and it appeased the anger somewhat.  I tore it up and threw it in the river and let go of the need for his validation.

But that exercise didn't shift things like I thought it would.    

My pastor had asked me several days earlier if i needed to forgive myself for something, if that was part of the anger.   I assured her that it wasn't.   How wrong can you be?   

Another friend suggested I write a letter to myself.   Turns out, that was a much harder exercise.   Turns out I was very angry with myself over many things, mostly failure.   

I tried to write that and felt deep pain, so I stopped.   I still had to function enough to homeschool, attend a funeral and show up for a friend, so I put it on hold for another 24 hours.   

As I started to write that letter the next morning, I realised I was angry with myself for letting him sculpt me into something I wasn't.  I was angry with myself for letting just about everyone significant in my life sculpt me and mold me and manipulate me to one degree or another.   I was angry with myself for being so pathetic and stupid and adaptable.    I wrote myself a very angry letter, tore it up and threw it in the river.   No great relief, yet again.  

I then started to recognise that what I was actually wrestling with was shame.    That's been a recurring theme in my life.   Like anger, I've hung onto shame, internalised it, and it's caused me much pain, but it has also been one of my major leaning posts.   Not a good one.   But still, very familiar and somewhat useful and predictable and manageable.    

It's hard to give up the familiar leaning posts that you have learnt to lean on in the absence of love and acceptance and predictability.    When you've learnt to lean on shame and anger, which are both strong emotions, then 'soft' emotions like love and acceptance feel unsafe and unstable.    But love - unconditional love and acceptance and validation - are powerful things to build your identity and worth on.   It's just that they feel 'soft' and shaky when you've only known the 'nice' stuff that turns out to be unpredictable and has no real substance.

Anger and shame and being strong and stoic is up to you.  It makes you feel powerful and in control.  Leaning on love is leaning on something else, someone else, outside of you, and that feels terrifying and pathetic.    I think having emotionally immature and unpredictable parents sets you up for feeling unsafe with real love because you're not sure it's going to last very long.   Because it often didn't, especially when they were under strain.  

So, I'm learning to lean.  He's been saying that to me for years.  I guess part of learning to lean is for Him to knock out from under you what you're already leaning on.   Duh!!   While that might seem straightforward in theory, it is incredibly painful to go back to what you were leaning on and believing,  and allow Him to remove it and replace it.    And when you haven't yet learned how to walk in the new, it's very disorienting.  

That's what happened on Saturday.  I had done the letter writing, tried to sort through the thoughts in my head, and I was going around in circles.   He actually wouldn't let me work it out.  When I had finally had enough of toughing it out and trying to work it out, He suggested strongly I ring my pastor for a  chat.   I had to decide if I was going to sit and pray with her without actually understanding it all or knowing what would happen - that unpredictability again, taking a risk, not being in control.   

That felt incredibly unsafe.   Not because she is an unsafe person.  It's taken two-plus years to build a trusting relationship with her and not because of her lack of character, but because it takes time to build trust when you've learnt you can't trust.  And it's taken that long to build trust with Him.   But it still feels risky, even now.   

Her opening prayer, 'Lord, let Kath know she's safe here with You and with me'.   She knew.   

Then she started asking impertinent questions and making statements that created strong reactions in me.  I found myself digging in and screaming, silently of course, 'No, I can't forgive myself and I can't accept that I deserve to be loved.    Just nope.'  

I quietly said, 'Nope'

Why not?

"I don't know.   It's just wrong.    I don't deserve it."

And around and around we went, not really getting anywhere.   

Then the Lord reminded me of the picture of the small, broken walls He had showed me last week.   He had reminded me of some of Beth Moore's teaching about how abuse and rejection break down the walls of your personhood and your worth.    I shared that picture with Carolyn.   She started probing a bit deeper.   

And  as she did, the Lord ripped open a wound that had been there for over 50 years.  It was His time to  heal it, but I had to let Him touch it.   He didn't tell me that would happen.  I knew it was something deep, but He didn't say what.  I just knew He was going deep and it was going to hurt.   Carolyn is a very capable, gentle and loving surgeon's assistant, and I'm incredibly grateful to the Lord for her.   

The conversation went something like this: 

So how old are you at the time of these broken walls?

Mmm, maybe three or four or five? 

Who and what broke down those walls?  

Mum.  Her words.  Her disgust towards me.

What were the words?   

I couldn't speak those words out.   I wanted so badly to just get up and run away.   I was in so much pain as I was taken back to that time and place, over 50 years ago, like it was yesterday.   But I knew those words would now just scream louder and louder in my head even if I left that room, and then I would be alone with them.   They could no longer be silenced or drowned out.   That callus had been ripped off.    And I could hear and see in raw detail the words that had been the foundational building blocks of my identity.

They were now spinning very fast in my head and I was in a world of pain.   

disgusting

useless

a damn nuisance

pest

dirty

ugly

frustrating

not worth feeding

not buying you pretty clothes

Carolyn asked me again to give voice to those words, which I thought would just confirm them and cement them.

After many minutes of staring out the window, gritting my teeth, tears in my eyes, and Carolyn quietly praying, I was able to voice them.   And as I did, they lost their power over me. They floated off into space and I saw them for the lies that they were.   These words were the very fabric of my thinking about ME.   It's not what I believed about others, just about me.    There was healing in voicing those lies as just that - lies.   

But He wasn't finished.   

Carolyn quietly said to me,

What was your name back then?  

I can't say that name!

Why not?  

I hate that name!

Why do you hate that name so much? 

Because that person is unlovable.   It's actually not possible to love that person.   

Why not? 

She is disgusting.  

For you to heal, you need to love that person.  You need to forgive that person for all her 'failures' as you see them.   You need to TELL that person that she is lovable, that she deserves to be loved, that you love her, and you will start loving her, because she's a part of who you are today.    You need to speak that out.  

So she started suggesting different variations of my current name and finally hit on the one I was called back then. 

Once again, I was back at staring out the window, silent, tears welling again and in my head screaming, "I am not that name!!     Nope, nope, just nope."

She sat and prayed quietly, and I sat and screamed silently.   

Eventually she said, 

Could I come and give Kathy a hug?   Would that be okay?  

This whole time she had only been sitting a couple of feet away, but now she just moved over and held that little girl, the little girl who was 'unlovable' and crushed beneath the weight of her mother's words and her tone of disgust and rejection.  

And something in me just broke under the weight of real love and acceptance.    

Right there, in the presence of unconditional love, from Him, through Carolyn's touch (something Mum never did in love) God healed what has been broken for a very long time.  

I was finally able to cry properly, and let go of that disgust and the pain of rejection.   

Then more words from Carolyn.  

Tell Kathy you love her.    Tell her you forgive her.   

That was still tough, still felt wrong but I now knew it wasn't wrong, it just felt wrong.    Feelings don't go away quickly, even in the light of the truth.  

I struggled with that but I did it, slowly and painfully.

And she prayed healing into those raw and broken places in my soul.      And we just sat in the Lord's presence for a few minutes as He did what He only knows how to do.   I was raw but I knew He had healed me.  I'm still raw and still trying to understand it, but something has shifted.

So here we are.  I will still be referred to as Kath, because that's the name I prefer.   But Kathy needs loving and to be cared for and cherished.    I can do that, with His help.    And perhaps as she heals, Kath can get healed as well - body and soul.

Beloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and be in health, just as your soul prospers.    3 John 1:2 

Potentially, this changes how I look after myself, how I interact with others that I feel threatened by, how I receive love from others, how I stand up and say what needs saying without fearing rejection, the boundaries I put up in my relationships, how I find comfort, how I perceive my identity and my personality with all its quirks and strengths and weaknesses.   I say potentially because I'm now free to believe different things, to choose not to be offended or defensive or accept the lies of the enemy, free to make different choices for myself.    They are still my choices to make but I'm now free to make them.  

It changes everything, slowly, and surely, step by step.     

And He leads us, step by step, as we start to walk strong where we have stumbled.  

The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way.

Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down;

For the Lord upholds him with His hand.  Psalm 37:23,24

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

Out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock,

And established my steps.  Psalm 40:2  


Real love is much more powerful than anger and shame and stoicism.    Real love is solid and has substance.  But real love has to be experienced consistently to feel right and solid.   

It takes time and faithfulness and choosing to believe for it to become your new reality.    I need to walk it out, daily, and make choices based on His truth about me.   He is building this lighthouse with new bricks, on a new foundation, a solid one of His truth, with the bolts in the right place this time.














https://www.visitnsw.com/destinations/south-coast/jervis-bay-and-shoalhaven/currarong/attractions/point-perpendicular-lighthouse-and-lookout



He is patient.   He is gentle.   He invites us to continually come and surrender.    It's the favourite word of my good friend, Heidi, and we come back to it often in our conversations.    I'm learning that surrender is a process, a continual, intentional choice - our response to His invitation to be transformed by Him.  

And with that comes the empowering to live life in His grace, not our own strength.  

"Come to Me, all you who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.     Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am  gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.      For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”   Matt 11:28-30   


   

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, Lord, I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer

I believe You are all I need

I believe

And I believe You're my portion

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need





Monday 19 February 2024

WHAT SPOILS OUR STRENGTH?

Are we bolted down to the absolute rock of who He is?

Or are we relying on our own strength?

This week, the Lord has been doing some major heart surgery, yet again.

How much more Lord? 

I knew something was up because it's been incredibly painful but I wasn't quite sure what it was about. 

He's been showing me a picture of broken walls, little walls, but very broken. 

And He's also been showing me a lighthouse.  We've been learning about lighthouses at church.  Our pastor, Chris, has preached some very insightful sermons on that. 

How does any of that relate to this week's Five Minute Friday prompt word from - SPOIL

If we are meant to be a lighthouse that stands firm and shines for those in darkness, because we contain the Light of the world, what spoils that?

I was reading about this lighthouse that crashed, killing the assistant lighthouse keeper.   


"Over the years there'd been speculation that Whale Rock Lighthouse wasn't fastened to its base. One keeper even put this belief into the lighthouse's log. Some local residents believed this was the reason the lighthouse was destroyed. On November 9, 1938, the 2nd District Associate Engineer visited the remains of Whale Rock Lighthouse to find out why it was destroyed. During the examination of its concrete base, he discovered the lighthouse wasn't fastened to the base. He found "no evidence of anchor bolts or any other means by which the cast iron tower plates were actually held to the masonry pier, except for the brick tower lining, which appeared to be 8 inches thick at the bottom, and the mass of the entire tower." This wasn't the reason the lighthouse was destroyed, though. The engineer found some of the bolts holding the lighthouse's cast iron plate together were corroded. This weakened its structural integrity. The repeated pounding of the waves on September 21 jarred the corroded bolts loose and tore the top off."


This lighthouse was strong, withstood many, many storms, shone its light to help many.   It was built on a rock but turns out it wasn't bolted down properly to the rock, and its own bolts were corroded.    

It wasn't the rock that failed.  It wasn't the storm that led to its demise, though the storm was severe.  

It wasn't anchored properly and its corroding bolts spoiled its strength and mission.

What are the missing bolts that threaten to spoil our strength and purpose and ability to withstand the storms?

Are we bolted down to the absolute solid Rock - Jesus - and His truths?

Are there truths missing, like the bolts, that will potentially bring us down, if not now, then when life gets harder? 

I found out this week that I wasn't actually as anchored as I thought I was to the Rock, Jesus, and that some of my key bolts were missing and corroded.   God knew.  He put His finger on that wound, a core wound, and wouldn't take it off until the pressure got enough for me to face it and let Him heal it properly.   God is up to something - rebuilding, reworking, restoring, redeeming.   He doesn't want anything to spoil our strength or our ability to know His love in the depths of our soul.  

Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.  Ps 51:6

Yesterday, my pastors reminded me of these words, as they prayed through our new home.  

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of Mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock:   and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock." Matthew 7: 24,25 

I will write more about the heart surgery hopefully soon.   It's still settling and raw.    But I have been reminded several times recently that we MUST let Him deal with those structural strongholds and 'bolts' that threaten to spoil our strength if we want to be a strong lighthouse that houses His light to this very dark world.  

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps.   Psalm 40:2



My rock, my shield, my firm foundation

I know I will not be shaken

You remind me

Where my help comes from

This is the truth I'm standing on

Even when all my strength is gone

You are faithful forever

And I know You'll never

Let me fall


Saturday 3 February 2024

IT WASN'T A WASTE OF TIME OR MONEY

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and today's prompt word is WASTE

Sometimes you have to 'waste' money and time to invest in yourself.  

Sometimes when you waste time procrastinating and don't get on with what is on your plate, it's because you have mindsets that are disabling you.  

I knew there were mindsets disabling me and causing me to waste time and energy, but I just wasn't sure what they were.   

I knew I needed a break and a change of scenery.  I felt the Lord say to head to the ocean while the girls were away, so I did.

I drove four hours to get to the coast.  It's been a rather stressful few months of legal and financial gymnastics, finding a house and moving house.  On top of that, it's been weeks of  processing more buried trauma and generally feeling overwhelmed as we head into the new year of homeschooling and trying to get on my feet financially, and getting my business up and running again.   All of it felt too hard and I was paralysed by overwhelm on many fronts.    

It felt like a waste of money to go to the coast.   It's not a cheap exercise to drive four hours each way and pay for fuel, accommodation and meals.   On Sunday, someone at church found out I was heading to the coast and shoved some money into my bra to help cover costs.   Rather embarrassing, but she was determined.  And I was grateful.   

While I was sitting by the beach, it felt like wasted time because there was so much at home that needed doing.  

But I realised that if I'd spent my child-free week entirely at home, I would not be able to really get quiet and hear His perspective on what was troubling me and keeping me stuck.   

It's a waste of time trying to push forward from 'stuck' without His perspective and without His reset.    We end up tired, stressed, frustrated, angry, resentful, defeated and not actually moving forward, but rather going around in circles, usually downward circles.  

We need to literally get by quiet waters so He can get our attention and restore our soul.  

That's when we're able to move forward.    

He leads me beside the still waters.

He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.  Ps 23:3,4

I needed a reset.    And He was offering it.  

I was reminded, while I was sitting by the quiet waters of a sheltered bay, that His goodness is huge.   I read in a devotional that if God's goodness was only as big as the Pacific Ocean, it would be enough for us.   Here I was, sitting by the waters of that same ocean, listening to the constant waves, and I realised that God's goodness is constant and it's enough for all that I am facing.   But we often just don't get quiet enough to hear it, see it, feel it, receive it.    

















Sitting on the beach in the bay feels safe.  It's sheltered, it's quiet, it's gentle.    


















The next day, I went to see the open ocean.    I walked on the beach and felt the more powerful waves hitting the sand.   I didn't go too far out because the water was freezing and it was a very hot day to be out for too long.   

I was tempted to stay an extra day, but the Lord showed me that He had made His point.   It  wasn't a waste of time, effort and money to go there.   I needed to be reminded of His bigness and His power and His provision and His gentleness in all of it.  

On the drive home, He started to heal some trauma that I had shared with my pastor while I was at the coast.  It had been bubbling away for weeks but there just wasn't opportunity for either of us to talk much.   

It was buried trauma and major disappointment that was keeping me stuck in the mindset of 'don't waste your time trying again - there's no point, it won't work'.   It seems that years of disappointment can set you up for hopelessness and trying to push through that in your own strength just isn't enough.  You need that disappointment to be healed, lifted, reset, reframed in the light of His perspective.  

My pastor knew that I needed to go back to that place of major disappointment to move forward into the new season well.    She said I needed to have God reframe how I saw it, where He was in it, how He saw it, and be healed of the pain of that, to build faith for the new season I'm walking into.    I needed to know that He was there then so I can know He's here now and I'm not walking into more disappointment.  

The disappointment?   Losing 11 babies in a row between daughter number 3 and daughter number 4.  That pregnancy with daughter number 4 was fraught with fear and overwhelm.  I thought it was in the past, (she is nearly 15) but apparently not.   Those years of constant miscarriages, constant 'failure' on my part, constant disappointment with little support, constant grief, and having to bury all of that, had created some major mental strongholds that I just couldn't shake.   It had set me up for a mindset that I can't win, I can't succeed, and that I'm on my own to try and make this new season work.  

Well, He shook those mindsets.   On the drive home, He pulled back the layers for well over an hour and did a deep healing I can't even understand.    I sobbed and sighed for over 150km until it finally subsided.    I knew He had done something.   I knew something had shifted.    I no longer felt the need to numb the pain.   I no longer felt that overwhelm or ache or hopelessness or aloneness.   

How does He do it?  I don't know.  How do the waves of the ocean work?  I don't know.  

But I know it takes surrender.   It takes openness.   It takes setting aside time.   It takes expectation for Him to do something that we cannot.    None of that is a waste of time.   But we need to give it time, give Him time and sit and wait.   

And He does it, like He moves the waves.   

So, my trip away was not a waste of time or money or effort.   I came back different.   A friend said so last night.   'Your face is different, lighter, more relaxed.'   

So, I don't want to waste any more time expecting trouble, expecting failure or disappointment.   There are no guarantees this side of heaven that disappointment won't happen, but expecting it and being frozen by that negative expectation, that is a waste.  

But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.  Isa 40:31 AMP  



The Lord is my shepherd, there's nothing I need

You lead me to the safest places

You lead me to the safest places

To walk in the meadow and lie by the stream

You meet me in the quiet places

You meet me in the quiet places

Your goodness and Your mercy will follow me

All the days of my life

All the days of my life

And I'll dwell house for eternity

I'll be there by Your side

I'll be there by Your side




Friday 19 January 2024

SAY WHAT YOU SEE

I'm writing for Five Minute Friday and this week's prompt word is SAY.  

Recently, the phrase has come to me again and again, 'Say what you see'.

It's been a season of God telling me to speak truth to people.  Sometimes truth is hard to see and harder to say.  But it's harder if we don't tell people the truth.   It's harder when we don't say what's true and instead lead people to believe something about themselves or a situation that gives them a skewed perspective, often for many years.  

One instance I can think of is someone who was not been allowed to use her gifts in a ministry situation.    It was obvious that she had a certain gift in relating to certain type of people in a way that no one else could.   But she was shut down again and again.  And she got rejected and became bitter.  That bitterness spread to others, because she was still influential.   It could have been avoided if someone said what needed saying about her own immaturity and negativity and she was given an opportunity to repent and to grow.    That's hard stuff to say and it's hard for someone to hear, but surely that's better than the person spending years in frustration and rejection.   

....... looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled....  Heb 12:15

I've seen so much of this polite dishonesty over many years, in quite a few churches.   So many times people see something not right in someone's life, but won't say so and the person is never given an opportunity to grow and move forward.   

Sometimes, they don't say it because they're scared of the reaction they might get.

Sometimes they don't say it because of hierarchy.  

Sometimes they don't say it because they don't want to lose the relationship.  

sometimes they don't say it because they are conditioned to being ignored or invalidated

sometimes they don't say it because of cultural taboos

sometimes they don't say it because they don't want to hurt the person.

But if we don't speak a word in season, we do hurt them.  

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.

Like an earring of gold and an ornament of fine gold

Is a wise rebuker to an obedient ear.  Prov 25:11,12  



















https://varnadorable.wordpress.com/2017/09/26/apples-of-gold/



We've been watching the series, The Chosen.  I have mixed feelings about it but that's for another day.  

One thing I love about it is that it reminds me that Jesus had the strength to say what He saw.  I'm sure there was much that He saw that He didn't say or perhaps that isn't recorded.   You can't spend three-plus years on the road with fisherman and broken people and not say a lot!!  

But so much of what He did say has been written down for our benefit.    His interactions with people in many and varied situations and crises always fascinate me.   I want to know the story behind the story, because it helps me to understand why He said what He said.    What He said He surprised, shocked, challenged, upset, taught and healed people.   

He was prepared to say 'repent' just as easily as He was prepared to say, 'I am willing, be healed'.   

He saw through polite, religious behaviour and was prepared to say that it was hypocrisy.   

He saw through sinful behaviour to the pain behind it and was prepared to say exactly what that person needed to hear, even if it upset others.  

What stops us from saying what people need to hear - a gentle rebuke or a word of encouragement, the truth about themselves or their situation?

I know some of the things that stop me.   And the Lord is working on that.  So many times, He tells me not to be a butter knife, not to soften the truth out of fear or cynicism.    

I see things differently to others.   We all see things from our own perspective, shaped by experience but also by Him, if we are immersed in His Word, and stay close to Him.

But, if we do not say what we see, someone will miss out on the truth they need to hear.   

I've had a lot of people say a lot of very helpful and healing things to me over the last few years, not all of it easy to hear, but very necessary.   

Jesus spoke the truth, with grace.    I want to be one who can say what she sees, with grace and truth, at the right time, as people need to hear it.    When we do that, people grow and grow up, and are able to walk in the light of the truth.  

But, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head - Christ - from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love.  Eph 4:15,16



Truth be told

The truth is rarely told, no

I say, "I'm fine, yeah, I'm fine, oh, I'm fine, hey, I'm fine"

But I'm not, I'm broken

And when it's out of control I say it's under control

But it's not and You know it

I don't know why it's so hard to admit it

When being honest is the only way to fix it

There's no failure, no fall



There's no sin You don't already know

So let the truth be told



Thursday 4 January 2024

WHAT I LEFT BEHIND

This is my post for the Five Minute Friday prompt word LEFT because it resonated with me, but there just wasn't time to get it out there when that prompt came out.  

I've been a bit behind on writing because we've been moving house.

I didn't just move house.   I left behind a different season, a lot of memories, some old mindsets.   And I left that house a different person than the one who moved in five and a half years ago.

I moved there, with two young children in tow, to care for an older daughter.   But even after she left for a better chance at getting the medical help she needed, I knew I couldn't go back to the farm, nor to the previous situation that I had left behind.   

I wasn't sure what to do next except that I needed some down time to just rest.   What transpired after that rest was 2.5 years of the Lord ripping the scab off very old wounds.  I sure didn't see that coming.  I had left those wounds untouched for a very long time, partly to protect people in my birth family.    But God had other ideas.    

And so, one year into that healing journey, I started to realise that my marriage was very dysfunctional, and I couldn't go back to how it was when I left the farm.    I realised that I couldn't heal as a person or stay healed if I went back to how it was when I left.    I realised, through many principles that God showed me, that in that relationship I wasn't growing as a person, but rather surviving and slowly dying, physically, but also mentally, emotionally, spiritually.   

We needed a new way forward.   I wasn't sure what that new way forward was, but I knew I couldn't go back to who I was or how I was.   

Trouble is, you can only make the decision for yourself to move forward.  You can't show the other person that things need to change or that you have changed.    I had spent years trying to change the dysfunction I had been able to see.    Now I could see things so much more clearly and that is a continually growing revelation, about myself, about him, about our relationship.   

Sadly, you can't make the other person to change even if they can see it.   Change is hard, really hard, when it means facing your own wounds and frailties and insecurities.   And change is voluntary;  it's a choice that each of us can only make for ourselves.     God pursues us to heal and make us whole, but the choice is left to us.    He is the One who transforms us, changes us.  Only He can do that.   And only if we surrender to His healing hand, in repentance, in sorrow, in tears - whatever it takes.   

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,

A broken and a contrite heart - 

These, O God, You will not despise.   Ps 51:17

I sure didn't sign up for it voluntarily, except that I had been singing dangerous songs like 'Come, Tear Down the Walls of My Heart'.   Apparently, He took me seriously, as He does.    And being in regular fellowship in a good church has a way of exposing your frailties and wounds and insecurities.  Isolation had kept them somewhat hidden.   

When I left the farm on that day, six years ago, it was for just a three-week trip to see how I could help my older daughter, who was desperately unwell, and many hours away.   However, when I drove out that gate, I got this strong sense that I was done there.   That was weird because that wasn't my intention.   I was concerned because I thought maybe we'd all be killed on the trip up or back and that was perhaps why I got this impression.    Looking back, I can see now that I wasn't just going on a three-week trip.   It would be a three-year journey of helping someone heal, albeit falteringly on my part. 

And then it was my turn to heal.   

So, here we are.  I've left behind a long marriage, many memories and many lessons, and a comfortable home full of a lot of stuff.   I've left behind another home, though it was only a rental.  It was our home, our God-given home for five and a half years, and it was a good home.    But I've also left behind a lot of wounds, a lot of pain, a lot of half truths, a lot of not-good-enough, and an unhealthy view of my heavenly Father.   

I finally left all that at the foot of the cross.   

And the man I left behind?   I still miss him and I'm not done done.   I've left the door open an inch, because God asked me to, even when I was extremely angry and I had good reason to slam it shut.   

But I can't have that door wide open until he's ready to let God heal the wounds that make him wound others, especially those closest.     I'll wait.   

What I've picked up on this healing journey, (along with our copious amount of stuff, that filled a huge truck and then some), is a higher view of Him, and a deeper capacity to love because I am loved.


















I'm now trying to recognise the remaining half-truths that are still left lingering, like the stuff in our endless boxes and tubs.   And I'm trying to recognise what I need and what I don't need to take into this new season.   

The only way to do that successfully, and not just slide into old defaults, is to be constantly in His Word, and in His presence and in fellowship.   

So, onwards and upwards.    As I find new homes for things, and decide what needs instead to be left at the charity shops or in the bin, I'm trying to find new truths to build my life on.   


Who is the man that fears the Lord?

Him shall He teach in the way He chooses.

He himself shall dwell in prosperity,

And his descendants shall inherit the earth.

The secret of the Lord is with those who fear Him,

And He will show them His covenant.

My eyes are ever toward the Lord,

For He shall pluck my feet out of the net.  Ps 25:12-15



But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story

The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"

And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)

I will choose to listen and believe

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth